Note to self:

You’re going to stick near the front tonight, right? Not off the front, not in the middle of the bunch, not at the back, but in the front 10-15 the whole race. The safe area where you actually enjoy racing. You’re not going to waste energy on the front – you’ll ride a smart race for once. OK, we’re rolling out – off we go. Remember, sensible riding, energy conservation, don’t get rattled by dodgy riding, don’t…

Hey, woah, what are you doing? No riding on the front I said, and yet here you are on Lap 1 dragging the whole bunch round. Alright, you’re only riding tempo, but stop it. Immediately. Got it?

Right, that’s better, back at 4th wheel. Let that guy go off the front, leave him to dangle, don’t get involved in chasing him down, just latch onto a wheel coming past and stay in the top 10. Good, you might finally be getting the hang of sensible racing. Stay away from the gobby upright rider and the skinsuit rider – remember last time? They were all over the place.

There goes one of your clubmates...yes, of course you should let him go. Ride tempo on the front for half a lap to give him a chance. Don’t try and catch his break, no, I said don’t...hey, what are you doing? Just because another rider popped off the front you don’t have to...oh I give up!

Right, so despite all my advice you’re in a break, aren’t you? Idiot. It won’t last, no matter how much effort you put in, no matter how much you’re shouted at by others, because it’s too early and the pack behind is rampant. You’ll just tire yourself out, but go ahead, you’re obviously not paying attention, are you?

OK, so the pack is less than 100m behind you, time to knock it off, have a drink and recuperate for a moment. Didn’t exactly cover yourself in glory on that break, did you? Back to Plan A, stay near the front, expend minimal energy. There you go, back at 8th wheel, nicely done. Just stay there, try not to slip back, watch out for gobby guy again, keep it together, let others chase the riders popping off the front.

No, I said don’t slip back. Concentrate, you’re nearly at the back of the bunch. Pedal, faster, move up now or you won't be able to again until the next lap – missed it. Try again in a few minutes. Wait for the rise of the hill, OK now, go go go! NO! Not on the outside down the back straight, the bunch will swerve again and you’ll have the door closed on you. Oh well done, you wasted all that energy to gain 2 positions. Brilliant! Get your breath back and try again in a lap.

Pedal, pedal, push – right, you’ve done it – near the front of the bunch again. Five laps to go – good timing. Now concentrate and, whatever you do, under no circumstances will you...stop that! Was it really worth chasing him down? You’re tired now aren’t you, and the bunch are racing properly. You’re slipping back, keep pushing. Watch out for the guy in the middle of the bunch, he’s dying – go left. LEFT! NOT RIGHT! See, you can’t move out there because of the stream of riders coming past. Well done, you’ve just gone from 5th to near-last in the blink of an eye. That’s your race over sunshine.

Next time you really should listen to me.